oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
