my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
