Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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