My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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