the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
