True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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