too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
