Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
