I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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