Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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