When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
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