I wish I could punch you in the face.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
