Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I didn't shave. On purpose
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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