when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
