omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
