A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
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I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
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We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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