I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
