census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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