FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize