I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
