the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
