Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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