I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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