My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
