Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
