garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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