Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
