He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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