i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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