ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
