are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
