Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
