Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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