I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
