Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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