nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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