im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
