I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
