So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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