Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship