dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I accidentally had phone sex last night
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
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absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
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I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?