a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
