Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
