Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
my being single is dangerous.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
