I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
