and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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