I'd wear matching sweaters with you
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Randomize
