Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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