the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
