you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
