I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
