I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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