he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
