you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
