If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
