she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I need moral support for this bender
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
