i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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