I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
