Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
