If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
