my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
